Dear Mama

I said im sorry mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight im cleaning out my closet.

I try so hard to please you mom. Get the grades, surprise you with gifts, mow the lawn, vacuum the house, and rent you those korean dvds you like. I come home early, do my work first, and stay out of trouble. Why ma do you always get mad at me for little things. Im tired of saying sorry to you every time something happens even when its not my fault because I know if I dont apoligize you'll stay mad. You always tell me I hold this family together. Have you ever thought that I'm hurting too. That I have my problems and that smile you see everyday might be a painful one. Yet I smile and apoligize everytime. Not this time ma it's getting me sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yet, I still love you ma I just hope you realize that before its too late.

"Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountains." - John Locke

Zee Avi

Typically I wouldn't listen to music like this but something about this girl's voice and melodies are so captivating. I thought I should share great music like this with you guys. Zee Avi is a girl from Malaysia who recently signed a record deal because of her youtube videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0rafi5CG5M Zee Avi - Bitter Heart
Despite the title the music is very catchy and uplifting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCsPpXsdwBU Zee Avi - Someone You Used To Know
A very touching song and the lyrics strike so deeply.

Every now and then when I hear new songs or artists I like I'll share them with you guys.

Music can ease the pain, get a party started, or even, resolve a conflict because of how beautiful it can be.

"Music is what feelings sound like." - unknown

anger

Today I got really angry with my family. Everytime I think life is good im hit with a rude awakening. On the outside my family looks perfect. Parents are together, I get good grades at school, and it seems like I have a carefree attitude. Things are different when I get home. It is a warzone and it is rare to see a day without yelling and screaming. Most times I just try to shut everything out. The thing is although I get yelled at alot of little things I mostly accept the fact that I did something wrong. Lately I've tried to be more of a respectful son by being more subservient to my parents wishes. As a result I have actually been on a level relationship with my parents as of late, but not my brother. He is always at the center of the yelling and screaming nowadays. I love my brother but at the same time I am so disappointed in him and at times want to just disown him. Because I was the older son I got in trouble for everything from having a phone to going out with friends, but because of what I had to go through life for my brother is easier. He got his phone before me, started going out earlier than I did, and got to get away without trouble for something I would have gotten beaten for. I just cant understand why he always wants to talk back to my parents or start yelling if he doesn't get his way. Today I tried to help my brother because my parents dont trust him as of late because of his habitual lying. I convinced my mom to let my brother stay out later with his friends, but because of his back talk and side comments I just lost it and punched the door. Of course my mom lost it because I did this and everything just exploded. As I write this I just want to go somewhere else and start anew without all this drama. Yet my mom tells me that without me the family would break apart because I have the ability to cease all the fighting in our family with my reasonable talk. Although I want to just live with a fuck it attitude I cant because of my own morals. I want to become someone who makes a difference in this world, I just wish I could let go of my anger.



"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

hypocritical

Recently I got apprehended for smoking a cig in front of some people on the praise team at my church. I take full responsibility for making such a bad decision. What I do not agree with is being told that I gave someone a cig and that I am a bad influence on this person. This does not make sense to me because I did not hand this person a cig and say smoke this even though I know its not good for you. No the person asked for one and who am I to say no to anyone who smokes. It is a person's lifestyle choice. The other thing that crossed my mind as I was being apprehended was I couldn't actually believe that these people actually told on what happened to my pastor. It is not understandable to me on being yelled at in front of the whole church because of one cig. It is not like I robbed someone or hit someone at church but no I apparently gave a cig to someone who smokes and because of that I am a bad person. I was also told I was to never speak or aknowledge the person I was with because I was a bad influence. Im sorry but thats something that is unreasonable. How can you tell me to end a friendship with someone over one cig. The other thing is I know that not everyone is perfect at our church. I know im not. So before you tell on someone take a deep look at yourselves before you judge others.

Who are you to judge. You people wake up everyday with a fake aura of self-righteousness. Just know that everyone has dirty secrets. It is only the hypocrites who take these secrets and spread them around while harboring their own secrets.

A hypocrite despises those whom he deceives, but has no respect for himself. He would make a dupe of himself too, if he could. - William Hazlitt